I’ve only had this blog for a short time and already, I don’t like it. The objective here was to vent about those things in my life that I dare not share with a familiar soul, but it isn’t as rewarding as I had hoped. While I feel better in the moment, I am really not happy with myself when I review previous posts. In my first ever blog, I was “a woman on a mission” and chocked my blog full of information about my illness that actually served the useful purpose of helping me keep track of it. I tried to be a tad more personal on the second one, but felt this overwhelming urge to be even more open about things that were bugging me. Now, here I am doing just that and when I read over what I’ve written, there is just this persona to it all that is simply not me. It’s like I’m Jekyll and Hyde, but Hyde’s taken over the blogging completely.
I think if this were a completely private journal, this wouldn’t be a problem. But knowing that people stop by here and must rely only on what is written to form an opinion of me… well it bothers me, to sum it up. I guess I could throw in some stories about all the great things in my life, but that sort of defeats the purpose to this. Sharing the “good times” with family and friends has never been a problem. It is trying to share the “bad times” that I’ve always found so difficult and what brought me to blogging in the first place. I know I didn’t have a problem sharing simply the health issues, so perhaps I should have stuck with that? Still, I felt like people would only see me as some sickly chick who had nothing better to do than talk about being sick.
Why do I care so much what other people think? It’s simple… like it or not, we are all only what others perceive us to be. I could walk into a job interview tomorrow, knowing without a doubt I’m the best woman for the job, but what I think doesn’t matter at all. It is what the person who interviews me thinks about me that will decide if I’m hired or not. We do, however, have a lot of control over how we are perceived. I can wear a t-shirt and sweatpants to the grocery store and almost guarantee that total strangers aren’t going to approach me for random conversation (it’s the south… people actually do that). But if I go out looking like I’ve put forth a little effort, people find me approachable and strike up conversation. So I’ve started dressing for how I feel… rough and gritty when I don’t want to be bothered and fresh and friendly when I could use some socializing. How does that translate to this blog? I have no idea! I just know that I am not liking this “personality” I’ve got going here.
To all my blog-pals who’ve had to follow me to this new blog, don’t worry! I’m not starting any new blogs. Maybe just deleting off some posts and starting in another direction. But then, maybe not! I’m so moody these days, who knows what will happen! Maybe I should start blogging with other people in mind. You know, giving consideration to my very limited audience. Isn’t that one of the first rules in public speaking… know which audience you want to “speak” to. It was much easier when my “audience” was mostly people who could relate to my illness. Who on earth could relate to this other crap? Well, besides people obsessed with soap operas, perhaps, he, he, and even they must be disappointed when they come here and see I’m not actually writing about what happened on All My Children or Days of Our Lives today.
So yep… tonight I feel like Ouiser needs some revamping. I’m just too tired to come up with a new theme/idea.
