Before You Go Crushing Blossoms…

I read the following poem when I was in my early teens and it stuck with me for many years. I couldn’t quite grasp the message then, it was just a bit over my head, but for some reason it still stuck. As I grew older, it started making more sense and is now my all-time favorite poem. I highly recommend it to anyone who has a tendancy to shoot off at the mouth:

THE FOOL’S PRAYER

by: Edward Rowland Sill (1841-1887)

HE royal feast was done; the King

Sought some new sport to banish care,

And to his jester cried: “Sir Fool,

Kneel now, and make for us a prayer!”

The jester doffed his cap and bells,

And stood the mocking court before;

They could not see the bitter smile

Behind the painted grin he wore.

He bowed his head, and bent his knee

Upon the Monarch’s silken stool;

His pleading voice arose: “O Lord,

Be merciful to me, a fool!

“No pity, Lord, could change the heart

From red with wrong to white as wool;

The rod must heal the sin: but Lord,

Be merciful to me, a fool!

“‘T is not by guilt the onward sweep

Of truth and right, O Lord, we stay;

‘T is by our follies that so long

We hold the earth from heaven away.

“These clumsy feet, still in the mire,

Go crushing blossoms without end;

These hard, well-meaning hands we thrust

Among the heart-strings of a friend.

“The ill-timed truth we might have kept–

Who knows how sharp it pierced and stung?

The word we had not sense to say–

Who knows how grandly it had rung!

“Our faults no tenderness should ask.

The chastening stripes must cleanse them all;

But for our blunders — oh, in shame

Before the eyes of heaven we fall.

“Earth bears no balsam for mistakes;

Men crown the knave, and scourge the tool

That did his will; but Thou, O Lord,

Be merciful to me, a fool!”

The room was hushed; in silence rose

The King, and sought his gardens cool,

And walked apart, and murmured low,

“Be merciful to me, a fool!”

“The Fool’s Prayer” is reprinted from The Little Book of American Poets: 1787-1900. Ed. Jessie B. Rittenhouse. Cambridge: Riverside Press, 1915.

and copied and pasted here by Ouiser after finding it at http://www.poetry-archive.com/s/the_fools_prayer.html

Screw Some Lamictal!

I have made the decision to stop taking the Lamictal.  I simply can’t stand it anymore!  More accurately, I can’t stand myself and doubt others are going to be able to stand me much longer either.  Here’s how bad it has gotten…

The other day, my husband and I made a quick dash into Food Lion to grab maybe 5 items and bee-lined it to the 12-items-or-less-lane because the boy was wearing “big boy pants” and we wanted out of there before he got curious about what Food Lion’s restrooms looked like.  He doesn’t pee in public because his bladder is full, he says he has to pee to see what the bathrooms look like.  So we get to the register and the gentleman in front of us has maybe five items, but when the cashier scanned his Nabisco cookies, he sheepishly said, “Those are supposed to be 2 for 1.”  Oh Lord!  Here we go!

The cashier picked up the sales ad and showed the gentleman that it was Keebler cookies that were on sale, not Nabisco.  The customer replies, “But the sign was under the Nabisco cookies.”  The cashier said, “Sir, I’m sorry for the confusion, but those aren’t the cookies on sale.”  The customer shoots back with, “Well, I understand they aren’t the cookies in the paper, but the sign back there said 2 for 1 and that’s what I should get them for.”  Ok… now I’m seeing a clear picture of what we are dealing with.  He’s the “got to teach them a lesson” sort of person.  How dare some young stock person misplace a sale sign and mislead this poor, unsuspecting customer!  The stock boy should be drawn and quartered!

Now the old Ouiser, would have smiled patiently to the cashier and simply waited her turn.  We all have to share this planet and try to get along, even with the morons.  But the Evil-Lamictal-Twin-Ouiser noticed the lanyard around his neck was from xyz hospital (with whom I’ve had a prior night-marish experience) and I was being a royal smart-ass before common sense could save me!  I said to the moron, smiling and with faux-southern charm, “Sir, how much are the cookies?  I’ll just pay you the difference.”  He looked at me, then to my husband, then to me again, and said most quietly and calmly, “Its the principle of thing.”  Oh no he didn’t!

I start scrambling through my purse and this time addressed the cashier and said, “Seriously, ma’am, how much are the cookies?  We’re in a bit of a hurry, which is why we are in the express lane [pointing and looking up to the sign for dramatic effect], and I’ll be happy [pausing to look at the moron and smile] to make sure this gentleman gets his two bags of cookies for the price of one.” A second cashier appeared and the three of them worked out an agreement that cashier number one would void the items and cashier number two would check the price and finish his purchase at the customer service desk.

For those who aren’t familiar, Food Lion is a stickler for putting a lot of information on their sale markers.  It may say in big, bold letters: 2 for 1, but it is always followed up with specifics about the item like the brand, the size, regular price per package, etc.  What’s more, the cashiers have those papers at the register and, without fail, if it isn’t in the paper, it isn’t on sale!  It just infuriated me that this gentleman wanted to hold everyone else up so he could “cash in” on someone else’s mistake!  That is how I felt, at least until I got home.  I was thinking about the sheepish manner in which the gentleman spoke and it hit me like a lightening bolt… he could have just been “slow!”  Oh I just wanted to DIE!  How many times have people lost their patience with me on one of my “slow” days?  How horrible and embarrassed did it make me feel?  And now I may have just done the same to someone else!

Even more sad and upsetting… that’s one of many, MANY times I’ve blurted things out and later deeply regretted saying.  I simply don’t do that!  That is damn sure not me!  I’ve hurt family, friends, and now possibly yet another total stranger!  I cannot stand medications that mess with my ability to think like me or feel like me and I don’t care what the trade off is, I can’t do it anymore!  I’m tired of feeling hateful and tired of being unable to censor myself so screw some Lamictal!

I didn’t take any for the last two days and I’ve not fallen over dead or climbed any towers with a rifle, so I’m thinking I’ll be ok.  The mere thought of calling up the neurology guy and asking how to wean off turned my stomach.  I am so sick of doctors!  The shoulder pain is gradually getting worse, but I’ll figure something else out for that.  The tingling and such are getting more intense as well and now that I’m not taking the Lamictal, I’m thinking it has progressed, somewhat.  Either that or my nerves or just confused right now and it may all settle back down once I’ve adjusted.

Let’s hope the more patient and peaceful Ouiser is back.

:::::::  WARNING :::::

PEOPLE  WITH  SEIZURES  OR  BI-POLAR  DISORDER  SHOULD  NOT  STOP  TAKING  LAMICTAL ABRUPTLY!  PLEASE  SEE  YOUR  DOCTOR  BEFORE  STOPPING  THIS  MEDICATION!

And Now the Koilonychia

I woke up feeling rather good again today (oops, yesterday… its after midnight again).  That’s two for two now!  I didn’t want to jinx anything by saying the flare had for sure ended, but now I have the ultimate indicator that it has… koilonychia. 

It has been a while since I talked about this, but typically, after a “bad flare,” my fingernails will get these little sunken divets in them.  In fact, it has gone on consistently for so long, I’ve actually learned to rely on it as an “all clear” signal from my body that the flare has ended and better days are ahead.  So when I have a few not-so-bad-days during a flare, but no koilonychia, I know it isn’t over.  Earlier tonight (later last evening?) I was working on a hangnail and there they were… my friendly little divets!  I just tried to think of something to liken it to and rainbows were the only thing that popped in my head.  I would go with that, but I’ve only seen rainbows during very light sprinkles which contradicts the story about it signaling the end of a long, hard rain… and… well… it just doesn’t do my story justice.  Let me think… er… uh… mmm… fat lady singing?  Oh good grief!  You get the idea, I’m sure.

I wouldn’t feel totally honest here if I didn’t confess to feeling almost giddy about all this.  Wasn’t it just the other day I made a Christmas wish list and asked for another big reprieve?  Yes, Ouiser, there is a Santa Claus!  Maybe now I’m going over the top and will certainly jinx myself, but DANG!!!!  I feel like celebrating or something.

I was a bit worn-out today, but when I’ve basically sat on my hump or laid in bed for so many days, weeks… how long has it been?  Well, I’m gonna be a little low on stamina.  I know I over-did it a lot yesterday, so today, he, he, I over-did it a little bit more!  I hadn’t noticed the divets or I probably wouldn’t have been as restrained as I was.

I wanted to go outside today and do yardwork until my clothes were sopping-wet with sweat, my back felt like it would snap in two, and my hair was plastered all over my face.  Then I wanted to sit down and take long, slow sips of sweet iced tea and rest my tired, over-worked muscles.  I wanted to be lying in bed right now with my eyelids drooping from sheer exhaustion.  But alas… it rained.  he, he, he.  See… even that has me in freakin stitches!  We’ve not had rain for over two months and the first day I’m feeling able to get out in the yard and do some manual labor IT RAINS!  I even, at one point, felt compelled to lace up some running shoes and make a quick sprint down our road, but c’mon… let’s be reasonable Ouiser!  My knees grind like my great-granddaddy’s grist mill and even walking can be painful.  Ultimately, I settled on going out to lunch with my mother and son, shopping for some clothes for the boy, and, to feed the lawn and garden monkey on my back:  two fall-ish looking pillows for the bench on the front porch and a nice seasonal hanging for my door.  I could have went a little nuts when we swung in Wal-Mart and I walked past the Halloween aisle, but then I’d have to find a place to hide all my treasures as Owen and I have agreed to keep a tight budget till Christmas.  What’s more, we just had a show-down over him “embezzeling money” so I didn’t dare.  The pillows and door decorartion were on sale so nobody get out of joint on me!  I do get a weekly allowance/expense account, ya know.

So here I am.  Feeling too WELL to sleep for a change!